Sorting through all my possessions that I have stored in my basement, I came across an old private journal that I titled “THIS IS THE LOST PLANET.” From about 1995 to about 2012 I experienced intermittent periods between spiritual awakenings and deep depression, and this journal focuses on some of my absolute darkest moments. Looking through this journal, as frighteningly violent as some entries may be, I was surprised to learn how committed I was in doing “shadow work” well before I knew what that phrase even meant.
Shadow Work is the self-reflective act of acknowledging and getting to know that “other” side of you that isn’t Instagram- or Facebook-ready. It’s that side of you that’s a bit darker, and all of us have a darker side. I’ve written at length about it here: Me and My Shadow Self
Below is one particular entry that chronicled my deep seated fury towards the world, but using that anger as an impetus for positive change. That’s what I mean by “war.”
He’s rattling his cage. Howling, scratching, and clawing. Pounding the walls of my mind till his fists bleed the ink of my pen.
The darkness that I fight is only seen by the animal behind my eyes. Slicing, cutting, ripping the flesh of demons without pause. Panting. Smoke from the ash of darkness grinds in and out of my lungs.
I want so badly to be “a part.” To be someone’s “something.” It’s never meant to be the world that I picture other than the world that it actually is. When I release the beast, the skies crash and entire worlds crumble. I am capable of complete destruction. That’s why they sent me into this war alone.
Journalizing is the perfect way to do shadow work. At least it is for me. It provides me a safe space to spill my guts as violent or disgusting as my thoughts can be without judgement and without guilt.
This old journal was my “Hello Friend” journal well before I was inspired by Mr. Robot.